Eston – you’ve been so many things over the years.

Okay, time to blog about my weekend before I forget it all!

First of all I cannot have asked for a better weekend, and a better boyfriend for allowing it all to happen! I had some amazing conversations, good laughter, attended awesome services, and the weather was HOT.

God was powerful this weekend. I definitely broke out of a shell I had bound myself in. He also spoke to me through some unexpected people, and brought others there that I didn’t expect to see! It was so fulfilling. So fulfilling.

I also got to help out for about 10 minutes in my friend’s sunday school class, and it re-lit a fire I thought had been put out. I yearn to teach sunday school again. It is even more exciting to think that I would be teaching my own kids.

*thinks*…what else happened? So much! It is hard to write it all down. Of course there was a lot of conversation about the legal happenings and how we are doing now. So many of the people there knew me when I was married, so naturally they want to check in and see how things are, how the boys are, and of course how I am. It is overwhelming (in the most positive way) to hear how many prayers are being said for you.

I could go on, but I am going to stop for now. Oh! Except that I think I was also healed of some of my dietary problems! I have been purposely eating things that would have normally bothered me, and have been good so far! That is a big blessing. I am still going to be careful and take care of myself, but it is wonderful not to be in so much pain.

Okay, I’m done! Just ask me to call if you have questions.

Whirlwind summer

Well, there is only half a month until Autumn hits. Such a bittersweet time! Usually it would just mean the onset of cold weather. But now it also means that my work schedule increases, as well as my ability to think and follow tasks. Go Ginko Balboa! Fight all the flightiness in my brain! (It is said to help with memory).

As I look back on the summer, I see one big question mark. Where was I? How did we spend our time? Why am I not BROWN?! I don’t have any answers to these questions, and I am certain it is because of my fatigue. I usually am a tired person, and soon I am going to a detoxification lecture that will helpfully put me on the right diatery path to rid my body of all this tiredness.

But, more than that – I fear it is the almost two year old we are trying to raise. Often I am so frustrated, I don’t even know how to deal with him. Tonight at the supper table we talked to Eli about his whining, and how it teaches Luka to cry when he doesn’t get his own way instead of try to use his words. However, that is a very small portion of the problem. How do you deal with someone so young that refuses to communicate in any other way than throw ear curdling screams at  you (the latest was because I put him in the bathtub…and he usually likes baths). He wakes up screaming, goes to bed screaming, and often wakes me in the middle of the night screaming. It isn’t that he chats for a while and I just don’t hear him, he literally just starts angrily screaming for no reason – and I am at a loss as to what to do. My heart is heavy over this. I always try to wake up every morning with the prospect of ‘it’s a new day’…but when he rips me from my sleep and we have already started the day on an angry note, it seems to leave hope by the wayside.

I just don’t know what to do. I really don’t. And I am not going to be naive in believing that all things will be better when he learns to talk. Actually, he will better be able to express himself in anger with words he doesn’t mean. I anticipate a lot of yelling and “I hate you”s from him. It is going to be a long 16 years. I need the Lord’s strength big time, and I will continue to pray for Luka every night. He is an incredibly special little boy that just has a problem with his temper, but I see it as a fire within him.

Please pray with me. I need it these days.

 

For a dear friend <3

Again, it has been too long since I have sat down to write anything. Tonight, I can thank the thunder and lightning that decided to start up before I could fall asleep. This seems to be a ‘humor’ of this summer.

A few hours ago, I spent some much needed time with a very special friend. This friend is going through a rough time. Okay, understatement. But the way they have chosen to follow God’s plan to see it through no matter the sacrifices has hit me square in the face. Time for some serious self reflection.

This friend and I like to send lyrics to each other through texting, something that is very uplifting to God and each other. A general favorite tends to be from Addison Road’s “What do I know of Holy?” . I heard this song on the radio not long ago, and knowing that my friend had just been in Eston and experienced some deep God moments, the lyrics
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
really grabbed me. How long has it been since I have been on my knees before the Lord? Sure I have been vulnerable, and He has seen me cry MANY times the past few years. But when was the last time I was struck by awe or brought to tears because of His Holiness? The chorus is one I could sing over and over again;
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

Thank you, dear friend, for having such faith and courage to carry on with your convictions/calling. Your story is far from over, and your journey has just begun, but already you are touching people’s lives and ministering to those around you, just by your actions. You are ACTIVELY in ministry. Already.

I know I have said it before, but I am proud of you. And I am ready to do what it takes to make sure I am following the Will of God.

xo

New Verse, New Perspective

I have been meaning to update for so long now, but it is hard. It is hard to get here.

However I am pleased to say that life is going pretty well. Cameron and I are happy, the boys are well, and we are walking through life together. We are busy, we don’t sit around much, but we are enjoying family life. Things are difficult to adjust to, but we are doing our best to make the best decisions for the 4 of us.

On an unrelated note, I was reading in my new book and I came across a verse I had never noticed before. Colossians 2:8 says

“See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces^[a] of this world rather than on Christ.”

Life is different now. I am not completely on the other side of divorce, but I am on the other side of many things we were working on. Lies, manipulation, empty promises, and selfishness were recurrent themes. If I did not have God most importantly, and Cameron, both of our families, and all the prayer we received from friends, I am not sure where I would be on the other side of this process. The Lord certainly does bring clarity into situations, and He is the revealer of secrets as I have come to learn. I am so glad that we all have set our eyes on Christ so we are not blinded by the hollow and deceptive philosophies that both the defendant and the court system brought forth. I hope to look to this verse often as a reminder to not let anyone but God make decisions concering my life.

Thank you, sister, for the Mother’s Day gift of this book. It has opened my eyes to more things than the topic of motherhood.

what I have realized is…

… Lord, You are the only one I am not ashamed to cry in front of.

Can’t Sleep.

I keep waiting for things to get better, and in a way they are. The days are a little bit easier to get through, and I haven’t cried in… well I didn’t cry today anyway. But the nights are still so long, and Luka seems to wake up anywhere from 1-3 times a night which makes them longer.

Tonight I cannot sleep because the boys will be having their first visit with bio dad in the morning. I work so I cannot keep an eye on them, but there is no one I would rather them be protected by then Cam. However, it is still a part of life now that I never wanted to enter. My heart is sad.

I think I might try to sleep with Eli in his bed tonight. That might cheer me up to have him so close for so long. Here goes…

Switch to survival mode

As most of you know, yesterday’s court date was horrible. When my lawyer said that they strive to make both parties equally unhappy, I saw that in full bloom. I am grieving and can’t even talk about it without crying.

I wanted to thank all of you who have prayed for us, sent your love, your e-mails, your phone calls (Ashley), gifts and surprise visits at work (Cam and Farm Grandma)…it all means so much. And thank you for being patient. I know  some of you want to talk about it with me, but I just can’t right now.

The outcome of this court hearing was much different than I expected. I thought there would be a weight lifted off my shoulders, like it would feel good to have something settled. Instead, my chest is more tight than the tightness caused by anticipation leading up to yesterday. Up until supper time tonight, I was feeling absolutely sick to my stomach, and I still feel like I could cry at any given moment. It is disheartening to feel this way, because this was the “end in sight”. I feel very discouraged and I’m not sure what to do.

Those are a couple of the thoughts I am dealing with. I might write more in a few days, I might not. But as soon as I want to be open about it, I will.

Thank you again every one.